Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The paper boat sank down
in the muddy brown puddle of rain-
soaky memories...

-Gauri Gharpure

5 comments:

featherbone said...

quite like this one too...except the "cherish". don't really know why, but that seems to take away from the poignancy of the poem.

good one, though.

Gauri Gharpure said...

though i like cherish, can u offer some substitutes?

i ws thinking of live instead of cherish, but then, thought the latter set in better with wht i really felt...

featherbone said...

a proper haiku MIGHT go:

the paper boat sank
in the muddy brown puddle
soaky memories

that keeps the 5-7-5 syllable length, and maybe a bit of ambiguity, but still sounding on the happy side because 'soaky memories' sound reminiscient of 'happy memories'.

my thing against "cherish" is rather hard to explain. is it too commonly and glibly used? does it reek of 'poetic' language? is it all in my mind? grin. we will never know.

Gauri Gharpure said...

perfect.

keeping 5-7-5 in mind, simply soaky memories also occured to me... but somehow garnished with the 'i cherish'...

thnks.. :)

i decide to stick now to simply soaky memories..

featherbone said...

cool!